YOSHI!!! 

New Post!

This weekend twas a boring weekend. Nothing amused me. Not even when Gidget Douglas (one of my Sims2 characters) started on fire.

Speaking of fire, I started a peanut butter jar on fire this weekend. Mmm, yes. Darbie likes to keep her peanut butter refridgerated. Why in Gods name? I know not. So I was trying to make a toasted peanut butter and honey sandwich for my snacky snack, but the peanut butter was too hard to spread on the toast. I then came up with the genius idea to microwave the peanut butter for a couple of seconds....

flashback

SCENE
Darbie is in the background somewheres, highly involved with playing Sims2 and speaking of random crap I could care less about. I am currently cursing refridgerated peanut butter.

Me thinks: I will microwave this cursed refridgerated peanut butter and show this monkey headed bo funk thingy madoogey whats up.

I put the the peanut butter in the microwave for ten seconds. I then go back to, err, something. What I mean is, I turn away from the microwave.

POP! BANG! HISSS! OTHER VARIOUS NOISES!

Me: Errr, uh, what-the!

I run quickly back to the microwave, and rip the flaming peanut butter jar from the microwave, throw it in the sink. I quickly thought of a couple excuses for starting my roommates peanut butter on fire, only to find she didnt notice anything amise. I shrug. I continue to make my sandwich.

END SCENE

I've always thought of Darbie being more astute to mishaps. Being as she works in a daycare. Where kids know even less than I do about many things.

Really good toasted peanut butter and honey sandwich though.

Final call. On the bar top. Shakin my ol' bum bum. Looking at it now makes me tired. I dont know why. 

Hello Johnny Depp look-a-like bartender guy! It's actually a pretty funny picture. I like it all except for the fact that there is some creepy dude's head floating above us. 

Sorry Sona!!  

Me and the girls last Friday. I'm not the only 23 year old any longer! 

Birds dont speak english.

It's an insanely beautiful day out there! And yet, here I sit. Lunch today, I ate Taco Bell (yes, yes, I know.. bad Melissa) in my car outside Target. It was actually really nice, its a little on the chilly side outside, being that its winter and all, but my car is black, making it all nice and cozy and sunny in my car. So now I feel like its summer. And it feels like I'm in school.

Now I know why the caged bird sings. In reality, the caged bird does NOT sing, it's yelling. It's yelling, "I dont want to work because its sunny and feels like summer outside and I'm sick of being your little play thingy." We hear, "Chirp Chirp Chirp." Because birds dont speak english.

I want a margarita. A strawberry margarita....

Poops

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.As much as wetry to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did nothappen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Pancakes

Well....shucks. I aint got me nutin to talk about. American Idol is on tonight. I'm quivering with excitment. Either that or I'm quivering over cramps. ugh.

I was going to go back on my diet today. Then I went to Wendies. And then they gave me "Biggie" fries when I specifically requested "No Biggie, please" And then I ate all the fries. Minus what Kelly managed to steal from me. Because I like fries. And people are starving, err, somewheres. China maybe.

Speaking of China, here is a quote from the movie Saved!

Veronica: Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.
Hilary Faye: And then where would you be, Roland?
Roland: China.

Well. Your welcome.

Weekend Update

This weekend in a nutshell: I got drunk with various people, then did stupid things. For example, I went to Sharis in Gresham.

I feel so dirty.

Jen, you need to send me those pictures!

Phew... Tough Day

Fridays are always difficult for me. I have to wake up, gussy up, and make it to work by 8am. Luckily Friday's here are casual Fridays, so I dont have to put so much thought into what I look like. This particular Friday has been very difficult for me. I came prepared to work all day in the filing room, but alas, I found a couple minutes into my work day, that Jodi has hurt her neck and will be returning home for some much needed R&R.

Meaning, of course, that I need to be holding the fort in my office. Alone. All day. With nothing to do. Yes, thats right, I have been surfing the internet all day. And not filing. And getting paid for this. AND it's Friday. One cant help but smile.

It brings to mind a unfavored song of mine: "She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey [if not "for it honey," then "for the money" I dont actually KNOW the lyrics to this song], she works hard for the money, so you better treat her right" Ah, yes. My theme song for the day. mm mm mm.

This day also brings to mind my father's bottle opener thingy, "oh ho, yeah! Time for a BEER!"

Unfortunalty, they dont let us drink beer here. Also, they dont let us build shelves under our desks like George did in Seinfeld ("oh no! a bomb threat! Kids! hide under the desk!"). I could use a nap right about now.

I do NOT like mornings.

The End.

Another Day, Another....::sigh:: day.

Well, I'm doing the lunch thing again. I would actually write about something interesting if anything interesting happend to me. But since nothing interesting EVER happens to me, I shall tell you of a few uninteresting things that happenend to me.

1) I got a haircut yesterday. The girl who cut my hair is a triplet. Hmmm...
2) I bought Season 6, Part 2 of Sex and the City. I watched all of it. I cried. This was yesterday also.
3) Sunday one of my old friends from my high school faze, Lindsey S. talked to me via AIM. She's in Japan. We spoke of the old days. Twas odd.
4) Last night, after I went to bed, I was IMed by a friend from back in my freshman in college faze, Paul. I wasnt there to talk to him, though. I was in my room listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I dont even like opera.
5) This morning I sat in traffic. There was a stalled car, you see? I flipped the stalled car off. What right does a stupid, crudy car have to be driving around in RUSH HOUR?
6) One of the reasons I actually flipped the stalled car off is because I didnt have my morning java. Why? Because my parents have the most complicated frikin coffee maker on this planet.
7) I house sitted my parents place for part of this weekend.
8) I found out that I get Good Friday off, and a 4 day weekend over the fourth of july. And a four day weekend over memorial day.

If you actually got through this blog - as in - you read it all... Phessh. That sucks. Anyway, I'm gonna go, you know, do something else uninteresting. Probably check my email again.

My Wasted Day

I have decided that freezing rain is the worse sort of weather. It's just like snow minus ANY of the fun. I was stuck in my apartment yesterday, ALL day (which reminds me, Happy, Merry Birthday Jme and Jenifer!). What did I do all day? Played Sims2. I am now officially SICK of Sims2. Luckily I got out of my apartment in just the nick of time. My roommies boyfriend came over. Which normally is not a bad thing, but they have been seperated for an entire 24 hours! He called her like 20 times to tell her that he was missing her and loves her and blah blah blah. I figured thats what he was saying, I only heard my roommies side of the conversation, which went a little something like this: "Ahh, I love you too baby. I know! I know! I miss you too baby. Can you come over? But I miss you baby." If my roommie cared to listen to the background noise in the apartment at that time, she would have heard me gagging on my own spit. So, I am assuming that there reunion was something grand. Thank God I wasnt there to see it. I really do like my roommate a lot, despite how I sound. Cabin fever took ahold of me. It's also one of my pet peeves when people refer to a loved one with the word "baby" And there was a lot of "baby" references I heard on my wasted Saturday. At one point I politely asked my roommie to call Ben something OTHER then baby. Then I gave her a few suggestions: "Honey Muffin" "Cup Cake" "Hunky" "Candlestick" I think she got annoyed with me. I didnt really care as I had just found out that one of my teenage sims got acne. I believe, if I remember correctly, she accused me of being bitter. Which is ridiculous of course. The only thing I'm bitter about is my teenage sims acne. I may go out and do something productive now. Maybe.

Brrrr....

Lunch Time!! So this week... oi. I've tried to be the best employee I can possibly be this week at my new job. It was my goal to be indispensable by today.

HOWEVER, this hasnt happend. Not only have I slept in THREE TIMES this week, I've also gone and made a fool out of myself in front of the president. The sleeping in thing is not my fault. I'm still used to afternoon positions, I go home at six now and think it's around 9pm. I'm completely thrown off. It turns out, I cant eat in the mornings anymore. I can drink coffee, but I cant eat breakfast. It makes me sick feeling. I have to defrost my car. LAME. I sit in traffic. I set my alarm for 5am. I wake up at 7:30. I have to be normal looking and acting by the time I arrive at work. I cant even remember my own name most mornings, let alone be on top of things and remember who I've met, and who I havent met. Gosh.

As for the president. David, me thinks. My female co-worker, Jodi, took me into his office next door and introduced me to him. Here's a little flash back for you all:

::Two days ago::
Female co-worker Jodi: "Hey, Melissa, come in and meet the president."
Me: "OK!!"
Female co-worker Jodi: "[President's Name], I'd like you to meet Melissa, Melissa this is [President's Name]."
Inner Me (as in, I'm thinking this right now): Oh God, I must fart.
::I flush::
[President's Name]: "Ah, Melissa, it's great to meet, you. You must be one of the FA assistants!"
Me: "Yes, I am"
::I run out of the room::

Now, according to my inside sorces, the president thinks I'm scared of him. Which I'm not. I'm just weird.

::sigh::

I'm gonna go score some skittles now....

New Job

Well, I'm sitting at my new desk right now. In my new office. On my new computer. Next to my new co-worker, Jodi. Chewing on a new stick of gum.

It's weird having to use my brains to learn again. I spend four hours each day in training, going over things like, err... loans. And Pell grants. PLUS loans. Taxes. Paper work. New computer systems. Oi. I also have (get) to go to a workshop next Tuesday. I've never been to a workshop before. I've also never had an office before.

I really like having an office. I wore a shirt today that matches my desk. Because I look hot in this office.

Oh yea.

Also, today I ate a veggie sandwich at Quizznos. That really doesnt have anything to do with anything, but I thought you should know this.

I love side ponytails...

Deb(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by

It's Sunday, I'm bored, Lay off...

thirteen questions Thirteen random things you like: 13. A clean kitchen 12. Blue Jeans 11. Murphy 10. A good sneeze 9. Target 8. Money 7. Vacations 6. Long car rides 5. Alan Alda 4. Bonzanza 3. Pillows 2. Eating out 1. Socks Twelve movies: 12. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers 11. Dog Fight 10. Best in Show 9. Bringing Up Baby 8. Star Wars 7. Harry Potter 6. Pride and Prejiduce 5. Singing in the Rain 4. Dogma 3. Stand By Me 2. When Harry Met Sally 1. Robin Hood: Prince of Theives Eleven good bands/artists: 11. Dave Matthews Band 10. 311 9. Jack Johnson 8. Elton John 7. Dido 6. Steve Miller Band 5. Madonna 4. No Doubt 3. Green Day 2. Usher 1. Cake Ten things about you 10. Blonde 9. Bored 8. "Smiley" 7. Friendly 6. Scared of spiders 5. Poor 4. Laaaaid Back 3. "Twitchy" 2. "Blotchy" 1. Confused Nine things you hate: 9. Headaches 8. Heights 7. Money 6. Mold 5. Blushing 4. Hangovers 3. Traffic 2. Bills 1. NYPD Blue Eight favorite foods/drinks: 8. Noodles 7. French Fries 6. Soda 5. Ice Cream 4. Ham 3. Hash Browns 2. Water 1. Snickers Seven things you wear daily: 7. Undies 6. Bras 5. Powder 4. Shoes 3. Sweaters 2. Lotions 1. Smile (haha, corny) Six things that annoy you: 6. Corny People 5. Hearing people eat 4. People who talk during movies 3. Lindsay 2. Murphy's Breath 1. My breath in the morning Five things you touch everyday: 5. Tooth brush 4. My hair 3. My cell phone 2. Door handle 1. Shoes Four shows you watch: 4. Global Trekker 3. Bonanza 2. Law & Order 1. Seinfeld Three celebrities you have a crush on: 3. Johnny Depp 2. Jude Law 1. Brad Pitt Two people on myspace that you have kissed: 1. No one 2. No how One person you could spend the rest of your life with: 1. Murphy

Me in my antlers again with the Little Lexinator. I'm bored of posting pictures now. I'm gonna go eat something 

There's my family eating breakfast Christmas morning. I'm the one in the antlers. 

There's me and Lindsay feeding Murphy Brenna's apple. Twas very funny. 

That's me and my siblings Christmas Eve after a meaningful sermon at the Church. I forgot what was said. Something about the wisemen bringing God as a gift to baby Jesus. (he misspelled gold..) 

Hahahaha! Me and Brenna! At the Walmart in North Carolina... 

Here's a good one! It's the plan of my parent's new place. Cool, eh? 

For the lack of anything better to actually blog, I thought I would post this picture of me and Lisa. It was taken a couple years ago. I look better now! I think. 

Ok, then...

Well, this is it. My last 40 minutes as a receptionist type thingy at Western Business College. I've been amazingly cheerful doing things for the last time. I thought I would be all sad about it, but, it's really kind of a relief. Stamping envelopes, administering CPAt's, forging various manager's signatures, answering phones, assigning leads...

I am sad to be leaving everyone though. I like everyone here. Even the people I dont like. That's making me sad. I ate at the mall for the last time for my lunch break here. That made me sad. Tanya looks a bit stressed out today, I'm going to miss a stressed out Tanya. I already miss quickly minimizing screens as my boss walks by.

Good news! I got to hand pick the girl who will replace me this coming Monday. Congratulations Christina! May the force be with you....

Donna

People keep coming up to me and making sad faces. So I'm eating Skittles to prevent both a. hunger, and b. depression. Today was my last day with Donna. She told me, as she was running out the door, to send her my blog address when I have something worth reading.

Donna... my blog is ALWAYS worth reading. I am hillarious. And witty. Just ask Kurt. Or, better yet, your husband. Mwahahahahahahahahah. Aren't I the sausy minx?

I hope your dad is faring well!

I miss you already!

Almost done!

Well, this is my last late night. It just hit me this morning. Nothing will ever be the same after tomorrow. I'm excited.

http://www.aptirrelevance.com/sw-archive/searchresults.php?browse=rots

I'm also excited about that site up above. Star Wars! I love that it's supposed to be the darkest of all the films too. This means this one will probably be my favorite.

3 Days...

I have three more days at this job. Three more days in Portland. I know I complain about Portland a lot, but, I'll miss it here. When I was walking into work today, I looked off towards the waterfront. It's all sunny and beautiful today, I could almost see the ferris wheel from the Rose Festival up. And I got all sad and depressed. I'm gonna miss walking along the waterfront during lunch in the summer time. Seeing kids play frisbee... Bikers biking... joggers jogging... bummers bumming.... lovers loving... ::sniff, sniff::

I love you Portland...

If only it didnt cost so damn much to park downtown.

2004/2005

So, here I am... bored at work. So I thought I would tell everyone what I liked/loved about 2004. Here we go!!

The movies! Good movies, great movies. I liked Dogville, Sideways, Shrek 2, and other ones that were good. I cant remember them off the top of my head.

My vacations! Cant go wrong in Vegas. Despite the drama that went on, I had a very fatastic time. Each of my friends is more fun than the next. North Carolina... It was restful when I needed rest, I cant ask for more. Wait, I can! Walmart. Hahaha. Ah, Walmart.... oi.

My roommates! Darbie moved in. I like Darbie. She's kick ass, I like her even when I complain about her. Crackhead roommate and roommate with excessive gas move out. My life is soooo much smoother with them gone. It's refreshing. Like ice cold water on the hotest day of the year (Look I did a similie!!!).

The people I work with!! I love them all, and I'll miss them all (my farewell party is this friday...).

My love life!! I'm single, and I think I kinda like it. Plus, I'm the only one of my friends who was able to remain successfully single. HAHAHA, TAKE IT!!! You know its true.

Here is why I'm excited for 2005.

The obvious.. my new job. I start on the 10th. I'm already nervous. I have much to learn, like Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars (another similie!! great scott!).

The movies again! Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Star Wars, The Producers... I cant wait! Yes!

Hmmm, other than that, 2005 looks to be a very boring year.... hoo boy.

New Year!

Wow! I had a very bad New Years! Meaning, of course, that it can only get better. I have very high hopes for 2005. This new years I ended up at a couple of parties...

Party #1: Party 1 consisted of a couple of underage Christian kids. Who are 100% anti-beer. Needless to say, it was quite awkward. I had an interesting conversation at least. It went a little something like this:
Underage Boy: "So what are your new years resolutions?"
Me: "Err, I dunno, really."
Underage Boy: "Do you want to get engaged?"
Me: "What?"
Underage Boy: "Get engaged. Do you want to get engaged?"
Me: "No."
Underage Boy: "Ah, well, I guess you look a little young. How old are you?"
Me: "23."
Underage Boy: "Hmm, well, thats too young to get married, but just the right age to be engaged. Thats your new years resolution then. Get engaged."
Me: "Umm, ok."
Underage Boy: "Haha, great, good luck to you then."
Me: "Yeah, ok."

~~end of conversation~~

This is a GREAT example of why beer is a necessity at new years parties.

Party #2: This place was about 30 minutes away from our apartment. It took us an hour and a half to get there. That was fun. Once we got there I had a beer. Then quickly realized I was once again, with a group of Christians. Who were all very young and very already married. But at least there was beer. After listening to Darbie talk to one of her friends for a while about crap I couldnt care less about, I sat upstairs. By my lonesome. Eating celery and drinking beer. A young man walked upstairs. Here was our conversation:

Already Married Boy: "Hey! You're all by yourself! Hows it going?"
Me: "Purty good, you?"
Already Married Boy: "Good Good! My wife and I are having a blast!"
Me: "Neato."
Already Married Boy: "Why are you by yourself, where is your husband?"
Me: "Oh, haha. I'm not married."
Already Married Boy: "Why?"
Me: "I dont know?"
Already Married Boy: "You should get married. Well bye!"
Me: "Yeah, ok, bye."

~~end of conversation~~

Later that night.... In my bed, back at my apartment, 3 beers later. I'm set for bed.
A couple hours later....
I VOMITED EVERYWHERE!! It was chaos! And gross.

14 hours later... I recover! What a way to bring in the new year.